the books and podcasts that have actually helped

Yesterday's post was the practical list , organisations, helplines, websites, what to do and in what order. This one is the more personal version. The things I've actually read and listened to, some of which were exactly what I needed at exactly the right time, and some of which I'm still working through in the background on school run mornings that no longer involve a school run.

A note before the list: none of these are specifically about school avoidance. Some touch on it, some don't mention it at all. What they have in common is that they helped me understand my daughter, or understand myself, or just feel slightly less alone in a situation that has a tendency to make you feel like the only person who has ever lived in it.

Books

Untangled , Dr. Lisa Damour

This one isn't specifically about school avoidance but it's the book I'd give to anyone trying to understand a teenage girl, which in this situation is essentially the prerequisite for everything else. Damour is a clinical psychologist who worked with teenage girls for decades before writing this, and she maps adolescence as seven distinct transitions rather than one long undifferentiated period of chaos, which makes it considerably less frightening to look at. The chapter on contending with adult authority is the one I've gone back to most, for what I think are obvious reasons. Revised and updated in 2025, so the edition available now includes more recent material on social media and anxiety. Damour also has a digital subscription resource called Untangling 10to20 with video content and articles for parents and teens , worth looking at if you want more than the book.

Under Pressure , Dr. Lisa Damour

The companion to Untangled, and arguably the more immediately useful of the two if anxiety is the main thing you're dealing with right now. Damour makes a case that stress and anxiety in teenage girls have reached epidemic levels and explains the difference between the two , stress being a normal response to demanding situations, anxiety being when the alarm keeps going off when there's nothing to respond to. That distinction changed how I thought about some of what I was seeing. If you only read one Damour book, read Untangled first. If you read two, this is the second one.

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors , Robyn Gobbel

This one reframed a lot of things for me, and not gently. Gobbel is a therapist who specialises in children with challenging behaviours and she explains the neuroscience behind why kids do the things they do in a way that is genuinely accessible rather than condescending. The big insight , that behaviour that looks like defiance or avoidance is usually a nervous system in protection mode rather than a child making a choice , is something I wish I'd understood much earlier. It's also, mercifully, funny in places. Gobbel also hosts The Baffling Behavior Show podcast, which covers the same ground in shorter bursts if you'd rather listen than read.

Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents , Lynn Lyons and Reid Wilson

This one stings a little, in the useful way. Lyons and Wilson make a fairly direct case that the ways anxious parents instinctively respond to anxious children , accommodating, reassuring, avoiding the triggering thing , tend to make the anxiety worse rather than better, and that the counterintuitive approach is to move toward the anxiety rather than around it. I didn't love reading it, which probably means it was necessary. Lyons also hosts Flusterclux, a podcast specifically about anxiety in families, which is worth adding to the queue.

Lighthouse Parenting , Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Ginsburg is an adolescent medicine physician at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and the metaphor in this book is exactly what it sounds like , being the lighthouse rather than the lifeboat. Steady, visible, a fixed point your child can navigate toward rather than something that chases them through the storm. For parents who have spent a significant amount of time feeling like they are doing everything wrong, this book has the specific quality of being both honest about what's hard and genuinely optimistic about what's possible. The part about parental self-care being non-optional rather than indulgent landed harder than I expected.

Overcoming School Avoidance , Jayne Demsky

Demsky founded the School Avoidance Alliance after her own son's experience with school avoidance, so this is the one on the list that is specifically about what we're dealing with rather than around it. It's practical in the way the others aren't , navigating truancy laws, collaborating with schools, understanding your child's rights. Just published in October 2025 so it's the most current thing available on this specific topic.

Dr. Naomi Fisher , Think Again (Substack)

Fisher is a UK-based clinical psychologist specialising in EBSA, autism, neurodivergence and trauma, and her Substack is some of the clearest writing I've found on what school avoidance actually is and why the standard approaches so often make it worse. She has two books, Changing Our Minds and A Different Way to Learn, which focus more broadly on neurodivergence and self-directed education , worth reading if that's part of your picture. But if you want to start somewhere, her Substack posts on EBSA are free and very good and you can find them at naomicfisher.substack.com.

Podcasts

The Baffling Behavior Show , Robyn Gobbel

The audio companion to the book above, and the format that sometimes works better at six in the morning when reading feels like too much. Gobbel takes the same neuroscience-of-behaviour framework and applies it to specific situations , tantrums, defiance, school refusal, the moments where you know what you're supposed to do and still can't make yourself do it. Short episodes, no filler.

AT Parenting Survival , Natasha Daniels

Daniels is a therapist with over 20 years of clinical experience and her own parenting journey with anxious kids, and this podcast is probably the most directly relevant on the list to what school avoidance actually looks like day to day. It covers OCD and anxiety in children and teenagers, including school refusal, ERP treatment, and , the piece I've found most useful , how to reduce the accommodation behaviours that feel helpful in the moment and quietly make things harder over time. If you want one podcast that is squarely about anxiety and not adjacent to it, this is the one.

Calm Parenting Podcast , Kirk Martin

Martin has spent years working with strong-willed and neurodivergent kids and his approach is practical, direct, and funny in a way that makes it easier to hear things you don't particularly want to hear. Over 500 episodes so there's a lot to search through, but the ones on power struggles and on managing your own regulation while your child is dysregulated have been the most useful for me.

Conversations About Student Mental Health , School Avoidance Alliance

A podcast specifically on school avoidance, hosted by a clinical social worker who interviews parents, clinicians, educators and advocates. If you want something that is directly about this situation rather than adjacent to it, this is probably the most relevant podcast on the list.

For your teenager

The Unstoppable U Podcast , Coach Will

This one isn't for you, it's for her , or at least, it's the one I share rather than listen to in the car by myself. Coach Will covers confidence, mindset, habits and managing anxiety specifically for tweens and teens, in a tone that is direct and engaging rather than preachy, which matters when you're dealing with someone who has a finely calibrated radar for being managed. Short episodes, very accessible. Also worth following Unstoppable U Coaching on Instagram for the shorter-form content.

None of these will fix it. I want to be honest about that in the same way I try to be honest about everything else here , there is no book that resolves a situation this complicated, and the ones that imply otherwise are the ones I've stopped recommending. What these have done is help me understand what's happening, feel less alone in it, and occasionally catch myself before I say or do the thing I was about to say or do that I already knew wasn't going to work. On a lot of days, that's enough.