you can't get your child through the school gates. now what?

One of the things I wish I'd had in the early days of this is a sequence. Not a list of organisations, not another explanation of what school avoidance is, but a practical answer to the question that was actually keeping me up at night: I can't get her to school. What do I actually do now, and in what order?

If you're new here and looking for the explanation first, there's a post on what school avoidance actually is and why the language matters, and another on why girls are disproportionately affected, and one on what emotionally based school avoidance actually means clinically. Those are good starting points if you're still trying to understand what you're dealing with. But if you're past that stage and you just need to know what to do next, this is that post.

This is US-focused, and within the US things vary by state and district, so some of this will need adapting to your specific situation. But the broad sequence holds.

When it first starts happening

The instinct in the first few days is to push harder, which is understandable and also tends to make things worse. The first thing worth doing before anything else is contacting the school directly and letting them know what's happening, not to explain or justify, just to put it on record that you are aware and you are taking it seriously. Schools are more likely to work with you when they feel like you're not hiding the problem.

What to say: "My daughter has been struggling to attend and I wanted to let you know we're aware and working on it. I'd like to set up a meeting to talk about what support might be available." That's enough for the first contact. You don't need to have answers yet.

What to document from day one: every absence, every conversation with the school, every email. Keep a record of what was said and agreed, because you will need it later and the details will blur. If you have a conversation on the phone, follow it up in writing: "Just wanted to confirm what we discussed today."

In the first few weeks

Talk to your child's pediatrician or GP Getting a clinical record of what's happening matters, both for the school process and for accessing mental health support. A letter from a doctor confirming that your child has an anxiety condition affecting school attendance carries weight in meetings in a way that your account alone sometimes doesn't. Ask specifically for a referral to a therapist with experience in anxiety-based school avoidance or emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA).

Request a school meeting in writing Not a phone call — an email, so there's a record. Ask specifically for a meeting to discuss support for your child's school attendance difficulties, and ask who will be in the room. The school's response to this request, and how quickly they respond, will tell you a lot about what you're working with.

Start learning the language The terms emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA), school refusal, and anxiety-based absenteeism are the ones that open doors in clinical and school settings. Truancy is not the same thing and carries different implications — it's worth being clear on the distinction when you're talking to anyone official. The School Avoidance Alliance website (schoolavoidance.org) has some of the most clear and current information available on this specifically.

If it's been going on for weeks or months

Push for a formal evaluation If your child hasn't been formally assessed, this is the point to push for it. You can request in writing that the school conduct an evaluation for special education eligibility, or request a 504 plan meeting specifically. A written request starts a formal legal process with timelines the school is required to follow — a verbal conversation does not. My post on IEP and 504 accommodations has a full list of what you can specifically ask for.

Find a therapist who specialises in this General therapists can be helpful, but a therapist with specific experience in exposure-based treatment for school avoidance will move faster and further. The ADAA therapist finder (adaa.org/find-help) and the Psychology Today directory (psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) both allow filtering by specialty. When you call, ask specifically whether they have experience with emotionally based school avoidance and whether they use exposure-based approaches. My post on how to actually find a therapist for your school-avoidant teenager covers this in more detail.

Consider whether homebound instruction is an option If your child is missing significant school and the district has exhausted what it can offer, homebound instruction — where the school provides education at home temporarily — is a legal option in most states. It requires a doctor's recommendation in most cases. It's not a long-term solution but it can prevent a complete academic collapse while a plan is being put in place.

Resources worth bookmarking

School Avoidance Alliance — schoolavoidance.org The most comprehensive US-based resource specifically for school avoidance. Has courses, a parent community, and guidance for both families and schools. If you only bookmark one thing, make it this.

Child Mind Institute — childmind.org Excellent parent-facing content on school refusal, anxiety, and what evidence-based treatment looks like. Particularly good on how anxiety presents differently in girls and on masking.

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) — adaa.org National nonprofit with a therapist finder tool and solid resources on school refusal as a symptom of anxiety. Useful for finding specialists.

McLean Hospital — mcleanhospital.org (search "school refusal") Clear clinical overview of what school refusal is, how it's assessed, and what treatment typically involves. Good preparation for conversations with professionals.

Understood.org — understood.org Particularly useful if neurodivergence is part of the picture alongside the school avoidance. Has detailed guidance on IEP and 504 processes.

NAMI Helpline — 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm ET The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline can help connect you to local resources and support groups. Not crisis-specific — useful for navigating the system.

One more thing

The Facebook groups focused specifically on school avoidance and EBSA have been genuinely useful to me in a way that formal resources sometimes aren't — the lived experience of parents who are further along in this is a different kind of useful from clinical guidance. Worth searching "school refusal support" or "EBSA parents" if you haven't already.

A UK resources post is coming. If you're outside the US and have found resources that have helped, I'd genuinely love to know — this list is obviously just a starting point, not a complete picture.